Monday, July 23, 2012

I'm starvin' like Marvin!

Stuck on a treadmill, in a revolving door, trying to walk "up" on a "down" escalator. That's how I feel with my weight loss efforts. And rightfully so, because I've been BAD lately. Okay, not gorging on chocolate cake and  potato chips and McDonalds chicken sandwiches (ooh yum), but my diet is not the path to weight-loss right now. I think my candida has been flaring up too, and that's thanks to my diet as well. I pack my lunch at work 95% of the time, and for the past week I was packing turkey and ham sandwiches on onion kaiser rolls. And a baggy of kettle-cooked chips.  Not healthy, but portion-controlled, which is the least I try to do. Dinners last week include (vegetarian) Chik'n patty sandwichs (on buns), pizza, meatballs in sweet and sour sauce, and I forget what else... I ate a lot of watermelon and canteloupe for snacks, and I started eating greek yogurt again for snacks.  But all of the above includes a lot of carbs and sugars, and those things kick the candida into overdrive, and the result is a feeling of insatiable hunger. Friday and Saturday mornings I woke up at 1:30 am each day, having to use the bathroom (again, probably a result of poor food choices), and then feeling ABSOLUTELY starved as I lay in bed and try to get back to sleep. Painfully hungry.  But I knew that I WASN'T hungry, that I had no reason to feel hungry. And I did not get up and eat, because midnight snacking is one bad habit that I don't want to start. Again.  (When I lived with my parents, my bedroom was part of an addition on the back of the house, and I would have to walk through the kitchen in order to get to the bathroom, and THEN I would occasionally grab a snack and eat it when I got back in bed. Those were the days when Little Debbie and TastyKakes were a staple in the house, too.)
By Saturday morning, my body was screaming "That's enough!" I was starving hungry, and needed protein, but being at work I didn't have time to prepare myself any sort of protein, nor had I packed the right type of fuel my body needed.  I sufficed with a Fiber One bar and yogurt, and for lunch I went and got myself a Cobb salad from Quiznos. Again, not the best choice, but it appealed to me much more than the meatballs and rice I had packed that day.
Saturday night was date-night, and we went out for crabs. I LOVE crabs.  I can eat 2 dozen or more by myself, easily. Plus, picking crabs burns calories, right? Anyway, it was great. And there was a vanilla milkshake on the ride home.
Are we seeing a pattern yet??
Yesterday I did get back to the gym, but we went to the State Fair, where I drank sweet tea and had a deep-fried candy bar. I don't care what kind of diet I'm on, and I am perpetually "watching what I eat," I WILL have a deep-fried candy bar once a year at the Fair. I am taking my sister to the fair today, and likely she will want a candy bar too. Will I be able to resist? Doubtful.
But I am READY to get back to eating grilled protein and vegetables.  After today, I guess.  We are having breakfast-for-dinner tonight, and I've already invited my dad and sister, so that plan can't change.

Gym-time yesterday: completed 5K on the elliptical, approx 40 minutes. I know this isn't comparable to walking a 5K, but I know I'll be okay when the time comes.  I will not be running this 5K.  I also did 50 squats, chin-ups and dips with 145# assistance, 5 reps x 2 sets each.

Wow, all this talk about food has made me hungry. Breakfast time for me!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Sticks out like sore thumb...

The above picture was taken just a little over a year ago.  This is the five of us, all of my siblings, plus my little niece Riley.  From right, my brother is oldest (#1), next is the youngest at 17 (#5), Me (#4), then #2 and #3.  Granted that I may not be wearing the most flattering shirt, but this is how I look and feel at family gathering.  The odd one out.  We're all totally related in the way we look, but I'm the biggest.  Always.  It's tough to have three thin sisters, and if you'd ask any of them, they would say they are fat and need to lose weight (BS!) I would kill to look like any of them, or at least mutilate. My brother has read my blogs, and he has actually told me that he suffers similar issues as me, so that's somewhat reassuring, that I'm not a freak in my family.

Slacking at the gym this week :(  We were in Christiana on Sunday, having spent the night the prior evening.  This week has been busy ever since, but hopefully Friday night we can make an appearance.  This chin isn't going to up itself! (Get it, chin-ups? Ba dum ch! No?)

Lost 2 pounds over the weekend with a mild lower-GI bug.  Woot.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

If ya want my body and ya think I'm sexy...

I wanted to post today about my poor self-image.  I view myself as so much bigger than I think I actually am.  I always feel like the biggest person in the room.  You know how sometimes, even though you really try hard not to, when you see an obese person, you have a "whoa" moment in your head?  I felt like everyone was going that to me.  And when I see most pictures of myself, I KNOW I'm not that big.  But I still feel like a cow when I look down at my own body.
This picture was taken just last week.  I KNOW for a fact that I'm not BIG.  But all I see in that picture is INNER THIGHS!

BUT... I've reached something of a milestone in my journey.  I had a lot of time on my hands on Monday, and I spent some time in front of a full-length mirror.  Naked.  Try not to imagine it, please.  But after peering and pondering over myself at many different angles, I discovered something... it's not so bad.  I wish my belly were smaller, but really what girl doesn't?  If you're a girl and you don't want a smaller belly, stop reading my blog now.  We can't be friends.  My butt was not nearly as dimply as I imagine it being.  My thighs are toned.  That inner thigh fat that seems so prominent in the above picture is not nearly as offensive as I thought.  My calves are shapely.  My arms, muscular!  My chest?  Okay, my boobies are entirely too small, and God had a sense of humor when he made someone my size with A-cup titties, but my chest has muscle!!!  There is separation and lift to those little puppies!  Double chin... eh, it needs work too, but if I keep my head up, it looks better, right?

So in the time between deciding this blog topic, and actually writing it, I've had a huge change of heart, and all for the better.

I have been searching through my facebook pictures, trying to find one where I was "fat" and actually having a hard time.  I may not be a lot skinnier now versus all those pictures, but at least I don't think they were ALL fat pictures. I did find this one, however:

Next blog idea TBD

I did 2 sets of 5 pull ups and dips with 150 pound assist.  I managed ONE pullup with 120 pounds assist.

Monday, July 9, 2012

What McDonalds bag in my backseat??

I have a bad habit.  I like McDonalds.  Not in a Big Mac, large fry, large drink kind of way.  In a breakfast sandwich, mocha frappe, or a snack on the way home kind of way.  And I try not to tell Paul about it, but I'm sort of bad about keeping secrets about myself so I usually confess later, but not always.  Two Sausage McMuffins on the way to work?  A McChicken on the ride home? Sure.  As long as I throw the bag away somewhere besides home.  These fast-food stops are like pure mouth orgasms as I eat them. My mouth is watering and the greasy, or deep-fried and mayo-coated goodness goes down like butter.  Mmmm, I can taste it now just thinking about it.  But when I'm finished, when I crumple the paper and put it back in the bag, I feel guilty.  I feel stupid.  Why did I just do that to myself?  I've been good all day, I felt like I deserved it, but does my body deserve that punishment?  And then because I didn't tell Paul, I will eat a normal sized dinner so I "look" normal, and he's not suspicious.  'Cuz this girl can eat.  I have to be throwing up bile from the pits of hell to not eat.

In retrospect, my fast-food habit is not SO bad.  It's not like I eat lunch or dinner at a fast-food joint frequently.  In fact, an actual "meal" at fast-food is a "treat" for me.  What kind of treat is that?  I know everyone says when you start eating healthier, you crave healthy food but gosh damn sometimes I just want a  freaking curly fry.

Also, on Mondays when I'm home alone, I don't know how to entertain myself, so I tend to eat a lot on that day too.  Already this morning, I'd be embarrass to confess what I've eaten, and it's not even lunch time yet. It could be emotional eating, but it's probably just boredom.

Emotional eating.  I don't know if I do that or not.  I just eat whenever I feel like it.  Which is all the time.  On days that my self-diagnosed candida is flaring up, I can eat non-stop all day and never be satisfied.  Luckily, today is not one of these days.

Why might I be emotional today?   Paul's nephew, age 23 (I think) bought a motorcycle yesterday and promptly crashed it, and was flown to shock-trauma.  At first the situation was dire, IF he survived, he would probably lose his arm.  As of last night, "they" said it looked like he would pull through, and they did surgery on his arm, but they aren't sure how functional the arm will be.  My husband went to work this morning, and we were going to head up to this hospital later in the morning, but he got the wild hair up his butt that he had to go NOW and that he would catch a ride with his cousin, and that he has to stay until late tonight because his uncle will be arriving after 5.  And so I'm stuck at home alone all day and night.  I wanted to go, but I couldn't stay late, because I have work. I'm so disgusted right now.

And the jalapeno popper dip I just polished off did not make me feel any less disgusted, just more disgusting.

Blog idea: poor self-image

Gym today? Maybe.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Put down the sausage and no one gets hurt!

Years ago, before I was married, my now-husband and I were out to breakfast.  I can't even remember where we went.  But I do remember that I had sausage, and I had a nice, crispy end-piece of sausage that I was saving for the end of my meal. It was that perfectly cooked, crispy, not-at-all greasy end of the sausage that is so delicious... so I left it on my plate to eat the rest of my food, saving that scrumptious little morsel of sausage for the very last savory bite... and Paul reached over with his fork and took it and ate it, before I even had a chance to react! After registering what had just happened, I was appalled, I was upset, I was ANGRY.  That was MY sausage.  I was SAVING it for myself, for my last bite. That event right there was probably one of our very first arguments.  And at the time it seemed so trivial, and even for years after, Paul will joke about it, saying he doesn't dare touch my sausage ever again.

But about a month or so ago, I read on someone else's blog about how a person with a bingeing disorder (Hi, my name is Christin and I'm a binge eater) can be very possessive of her food.  And it hit me like a brick wall.  I now understand so much why that piece of sausage upset me so much.  It was MINE.  And to this day, if Paul and I split something, a sub or a bowl of popcorn, I have to be sure that we get the exact same amount or size as the other.  My half has to be the same as his half.  If he finishes his burger, I have to finish mine, even though I was ready to throw up three bites ago.  And if, God forbid, there is something leftover after a meal, especially at a restaurant, that doggy bag is going with ME. I'm not leaving food that I paid for behind!  And if we have leftovers at home, they may not get eaten, unfortunately, but I'll darn sure hold onto them for a week, my cut-off for eating leftovers, until I throw them out.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this problem, but the first step is admitting you have one, right?  I'm learning to leave food on my plate at the end of a meal, to throw something away that I'm probably not going to eat again anyway.

Idea for next blog: secret eating.

Today's weight: 246.3. 26 pounds to goal.

I managed 5 pull-ups with 150 pounds assist today.

Friday, July 6, 2012

I will master the pull-up

I have a new goal in mind.  To master a pull-up.  At my gym, there is an assisted pull-up machine, and I currently have to use 160 (!!!) pounds to assist me in pulling up. My goal is to work on this machine and decrease that weight little by little.  It's a great upper body workout, so I know it can't hurt.

I have to get back to eating better too.  We had (big) salads for dinner tonight, anti-pasto salads, so not perfectly healthy, but a start in the right direction.

My friend Laura inspired me to get back to blogging, but I'm definitely not as creative as she is.  But writing (or typing) my journey, will help me know where I've been, where I am, and where I am going.  I deleted the previous entries on this blog-- I actually opened it in 2007, wow.  I was at 233 on the last one I had written. I will weigh in on Sunday for an official number, but I'm hovering in the upper 240's now.  My goal is only 220 for now, and to be healthier and stronger.  The last time around, I was doing Weight Watchers, and I lost a total of 30 pounds or so, but I never got in shape.  This time I am more interested in creating a lasting lifestyle.