Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Aerosmith said... Back in the saddle again

Today has been a good day.  So was yesterday.  Monday was bad.  We got stuck home all day Monday with Frankenstorm, and all we did all day (it seems) was eat!  I made homemade chicken soup (good) and pigs in blankets (bad). Yesterday I ended up going to work for 4 hours, and so I didn't take a lunch break, just drank my shake while treating patients.  Today was ON POINT!  Started my day with a warm coffee shake, which I found that I wasn't very fond of, but anyway... had my protein snacks, a small portion of the leftover soup with my lunch shake, had a GREAT workout tonight, and homemade Asian chicken salad for dinner.  It was a good day, as Dr Dre says.

I decided to mix up my workout tonight.  Usually on a weeknight, I will do 30-45 minutes on the elliptical and call it good enough.  Tonight, we went into a small workout room that they have, and I did mountain-climbers, high knees, a few burpees, sit-ups on the ball, squats and tossing a 12-pound medicine ball, jumping jacks, pretend jump-rope... and probably more that I can't remember right now.  ooh, and 2 wall sits! 36 seconds and 46 seconds, respectively!  Finished up with just 15 minutes on the elliptical, and it was torturous!  My thighs, just above my knees, are so SORE, and I probably won't be able to lift my arms tomorrow, but it feels so good to be back in my game.

That is all. :-)

Saturday, October 27, 2012

That feeling of frustration

I feel like I'm being hypocritical of myself if I say "I don't know why I didn't do well this week." I just said in my very last blog that I wasn't as strict on myself as I should have been, and I had had a rough weekend last week.

I got on the scale yesterday morning: 238.1. I wasn't able to "use the bathroom" beforehand, and I DID have some salty food the night before. I decided that I would try again one more time before the scale is take away again.  So I drank tons of water yesterday, went to the gym, and was really good all day (mostly. See what I mean??). And I used the bathroom this morning. And guess what the scale said today? 238.1. Damn it.

I'm trying to be positive and remember, I've lost 9 pounds. I am in the 230's.  I haven't been in the 230's since I got married! But sometimes, when I log onto the facebook page that I use for support, I see others reporting much greater weight loss than I have had.  Perhaps because I'm a serial loser- constantly losing the same few pounds over and over again. And although my numbers are large, proportionately I am not a large person, so maybe its going to be harder for me to lose.  My ULTIMATE goal, without a time frame, is to be 200 pounds, and even my doctor was in agreeance with that, as I am just a larger-built person. Big-boned-ed, if you will. Besides being 5'10".

Today holds a Halloween festival at a nearby beach town, and then late Sunday and into early next week, we have a Hurricane headed straight at us, which brings forth feelings of needing to eat junk food!  I solemnly swore last night that as long as our power stays on, I will continue drinking my shakes. If the power goes out, all bets are off.  I bought Turkey Spam last night.  Seemed like a healthy enough choice, right?
(Someone needs to invent a sarcasm font.) But seriously, Wal-Mart was completely sold out of Spam, except for the bacon-flavored, and maybe 2 cans of the turkey. I know what my hometown will be eating for days!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

19 days in...

Wow, have I really been doing this for 19 days?? On day 10, I had a loss of 7 pounds, and three total inches.  I am to weigh in again tomorrow morning, and I'm even more nervous this time around.  I have not been quite so strict these past 10 days, though I never completely fell off the wagon.  This past weekend was rough, but I still had my shake for breakfast each day.  Saturday was CRABS.  I love crabs, and I will sit and pick crabs for hours. And I'm not ashamed of it.  And that will be the last time for this year.  Sunday was our housewarming party, and I made lots of appetizers, none TOO bad, nothing deep fried or chocolate-dipped, but I grazed for hours that day. We also had Subway for dinner one night this week, and I ate an entire footlong.  Old habits are hard to break, I guess.  I have this nagging in the back of my mind that if I'm eating Subway, I want a footlong or I don't want it at all :-/  I only made it to the gym once this week, although Sunday morning Paul and I walked our entire neighborhood, about 30 minutes total. So, in a nutshell, I'm nervous.

My weekdays have been good, still drinking my shakes and eating my protein snacks, and I don't find myself being hungry like I did in the beginning.  And for the most part, I find that I now get full quickly and easily, which is occasionally disappointing, because I serve myself a "normal" portion of food, and can't finish it!  I am no longer a full-time member of the clean-plate club.

We have a massive storm headed this week... some say it's a hurricane, others are saying it is going to collide with a cold front and form a Nor' Easter... either way, we are in the direct path. I want to so badly run to Walmart and grab toilet paper, milk, and bread, except I have enough TP for months stocked up, and I don't eat bread or drink milk anymore... so I feel left out :-(  I AM going to go get a couple gallons of water, and maybe make sure I have enough almond milk for my shakes, although I'm scared of power-outages and then my milk will go bad AND my blender won't work.  Hoping for a nice rainy day Sunday, no more!

So there's my check-in.  Official weigh in results tomorrow. I'm praying for at least 3 pounds this week for a total loss of 10. That seems possible, right? Maybe? I hope...

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Hunger and Fear

HUNGER
Today is Day 4 on my shakes, and today I felt honestly hungry. I tried to do the "listen to your body," and ate a little more today, and I didn't do anything inherently bad, but I just ended up feeling guilty about eating more.  Today was:
6 am, Breakfast shake (almond milk, Vi mix, 1 tbsp vanilla pudding mix, 1 tsp instant coffee, ice)
9:30 am, Turkey lunchmeat slices
10:30 am (still hungry) about 2 oz grilled chicken
12:00, Lunch shake (almond milk, 1 tbsp each choc pudding and PB2, half a frozen banana, 6 frozen strawberries) and a small salad with light ranch dressing
2:30 Small serving of tuna salad
4:30 (drive home) maybe 2 oz of leftover cube steak, 2 oz grilled chicken, AND a few riceworks crackers/chips...
Dinner was poached swai fish (it's a mild white fish), cabbage, asparagus, and a few leftover roasted potatoes.
I bought a new type of decaf tea to try tonight, that will be (hopefully) my only evening snack.  But all of the above feels like I've eaten SOOO much today!Then again, some people say they feel like they are eating all the time on this plan, so maybe it's okay.   I get a little OCD when I start counting calories, so I haven't been counting strictly, trying to focus on my shakes and small protein snacks, and a healthy dinner, and trying not to snack after dinner.  I admittedly don't like fruit very much, so that's why my snacks are mostly protein. Today I was honestly hungry, and I tried to listen to myself, and keep myself comfortable.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

FEAR
I am afraid that this won't work, that I'm going to fail. That I'll be that one person who isn't successful.  I am waiting (im)patiently until Day 10 to get on the scale. My husband has actually taken it away from me so I can't cheat and weigh myself early.  But I have such a fear of disappointment on that morning that I almost don't want to know!!  I have failed at so many things in the past, I am afraid of history repeating itself.  It (almost) makes me want to quit, knowing that I probably can't do it.  But I'm going to keep pushing on.  I'll never make it to Day 90 if I quit on Day 1, 5, or 85.  Keep on cruising.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Visalus 90-day Challenge

"I don't trust shakes"
"What happens when you stop drinking them?"
"I'd rather do it the natural way, diet and exercise."
"I have got to do something different, this isn't working."

I have said all of the above within the last month. Now I have jumped on the Visalus wagon. If you haven't heard of it, it's a brand of shakes for weight-loss, and the company offers prizes and awards for success.  Everyone is willing to work hard for a prize, right? I didn't even know about the prizes when I finally decided to try it.  I just knew that "the natural way," diet and exercise, wasn't working for me. Or else I wasn't working it. So, by the advice of a friend who recently lost a lot of weight, and is continuing to lose, I decided to give it a try.  Today is my day 1.  It's a 90-day challenge, which puts me into early January (if the world doesn't end first).

I don't think I have eaten enough today.  I have felt physically hungry most of the day. I can't exactly BLAME the shakes, it's not like "Oh you're only drinking shakes, no wonder you're starving." I mostly blame myself, for thinking that whenever I'm not full, I'm hungry.  There is no in-between for my brain.  I have to get used to the feeling of "satisfied," which currently equates to "hunger" in my brain.

I also may have eaten a little too little today.  Breakfast was just a plain shake (shake mix, almond milk, ice), so I could taste what it is like on its own.  It's sweet, a lot of people liken it to Cake Batter, and a TEENY bit gritty, but if you've ever tried Whey Protein Powder, this is nothing on the gritty scale. That was after 45 minutes of cardio at the gym. (Also working on getting back to the gym regularly). Did not eat again until lunchtime, where I had a shake made with the almond milk, frozen strawberries, and half a frozen banana.  And steamed edamame also for lunch.  And then we went to Wal-Mart, where the deli smelled so good!!! I did find that although I was hungry, the displays of cookies and chips and other usual deliciousness did not tempt me. Upon coming home, I had three slices of turkey lunchmeat, rolled up. And that's it.  For those of you keeping track at home, that about 575 calories in. 765 calories burned at the gym this morning.  I'm in the deficit.  This diet highly promotes frequent small protein snacks, and I'm under-prepared for today, but I'm ready for the week ahead.  I have chicken strips to be grilled, and made individual servings of tuna salad and chicken salad.

Dinner tonight should help me fill the deficit, although it sort of seems weird to eat 600+ calories for dinner just to make up for the day. I have to even out my snacking calories.  I'll get there. There has to be a learning curve, right?

Dinners for the week include:

Tonight: Grilled cube steak, grilled potatoes, and brussel sprouts (I like them!)

Monday: Turkey meatloaf with spinach and goat cheese, brown rice, cabbage

Tuesday: Chicken stir-fry (chicken, squash, asparagus, peas, onions, corn, bell pepper) with brown rice

Wednesday: Broiled Swai (or in a packet) with lemon, asparagus, brown rice

Thursday: Spanish Rice (ground turkey, brown rice, salsa), and Squash

Friday: Spaghetti Squash and zucchini with ground turkey and spaghetti sauce

Saturday: If I stick to the plan all week I want to go to the diner and get broiled flounder and the salad bar.

Upon review, I hope I don't get too tired of brown rice this week, or run out!

The hardest part of this diet for me will be the lack of dairy. I am a giant cheese lover, and I am sure I will go through cheese withdrawal. It also limits wheat products, pork, shellfish, and sweeteners.  Otherwise, it doesn't feel TOO restrictive, and once I get into the swing of things, I think I'm going to great.  My I hope....

I will try to post a weekly update.  Paul has hidden my scale until next Sunday, and I think I'll wait for 30 days to take update photos, so I'll post them then.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Buffalo Chicken Grilled Cheese Sandwich

I saw this sandwich on another blog, and decided I could lighten it up.  I'm not a big fan of celery, but you could certainly add chopped celery to the chicken salad. I also didn't even think to take a picture, I hadn't planned on blogging it until I discovered how delicious it was!!! For super melty-cheese, let it sit on the counter while you assemble the chicken salad. Room temp cheese melts better.

Buffalo Chicken Grilled Cheese Sandwich


For the chicken salad
(1) 10-ounce can of 98% fat free chicken
2 Tbsp light mayo
2 Tbsp hot wing sauce (I used Franks)
Dash salt
Celery salt (optional)

For each sandwich:
2 slices of light bread (I used Sara Lee Delightful bread)
1 slice of cheddar cheese (sandwich style)
1 tbsp. reduced-fat blue cheese crumbles
2 tsp. buttery spread

Drain and rinse the canned chicken. In a bowl, combine chicken, mayo, wing sauce, salt and celery salt, optional. I used 2 Tbsp wing sauce, use less if you like it less spicy. Set aside.

To assemble your grilled cheese, preheat your skillet, and butter one side one slice of bread with one tsp of buttery spread, and place facedown on skillet. Carefully sprinkle 1 tbsp. of reduced-fat blue cheese crumbles on the bread. Spread about 1/3 of the chicken salad on top of the blue cheese. Top with slice of cheddar, and put other slice of bread on top. Spread top with other tsp of buttery spread. Grill until brown and crispy on the bottom, just like a grilled cheese, and then flip to cook the other side. When finished, put on a plate and let sit a few minutes before cutting it and eating it.

Serving Size: Makes 3 servings of the chicken salad, and up to 3 sandwiches

Number of Servings: 3



Monday, August 27, 2012

Pepper Jack Breakfast Sandwiches

Yesterday at Wal-Mart, my husband's keen eye spotted new Special K breakfast sandwiches in the freezer aisle, and they are made with sandwich thins, and various fillings. I grabbed the box of ham, pepper jack and egg sandwichs, and then noticed it was about $5 for 4 sandwiches. I put them back, head hung low. My husband suggested I recreate them. Duh! 

This morning I googled for all I was worth to find nutrition info and a picture of them, and I can't find any info on them. It's like they were a figment of my imagination. But they sure made a great inspiration for my breakfast! 

Pepper Jack Breakfast Sandwich Thins 

 

One package of sandwich thins (8 total) 
8 slices of Oscar Mayer Baked Cooked Ham 
8 slices Pepper Jack cheese 
8 eggs 

Directions 

Lightly spray a non-stick pan with non-stick cooking spray. Gently fry your eggs, breaking the yolks, and cooking them until done. Assemble sandwiches, let cool, wrap in paper towels and package in a large bag or container. Microwave for 45 seconds to reheat throughout the week. 

Serving Size: Makes 8 servings

Friday, August 10, 2012

Meal Plan 8/10-8/16

So the first step toward any project for me is create a list or some sort of plan.  When I'm stressed out, I make lists.  I took a cell-phone photo of myself today and decided that I look bloated, which stresses me out.  I have been chugging water, planning my meals, and browsing pinterest for healthy recipes all afternoon.   But not eating, which is the important part.
So here's the offending shot:
It was the best shot of several that I took, and I just couldn't shake the idea that I looked bloated.  Which is no wonder honestly.

My meal plan for the week may not be the healthiest, but it's the alternative to fast food every night like we did last week pretty much.
Tonight: Chicken Breasts, Yellow Rice (I make it myself with Sazon seasoning) and brocolli (nice start, huh?)
Saturday: Cookout Day: Hamburgers, hot dogs, loaded potato salad, black bean salad, tossed salad with Olive Garden mock dressing, and bacon double cheeseburger dip (can we say yum??)
Sunday: Crockpot Salsa chicken, and probably leftovers from Saturdays salads
Monday: Meatless Baked Ziti with Spinach
Tuesday: BLT Sandwiches
Wednesday: English Muffin Pizzas
Thursday: Breakfast Casserole

That's as far as I planned because no matter my best intentions, I never stick to the plan completely.  I also know it's not HEALTH food, but it's a start. I hope to hit the gym 2 nights this week coming.  Again, it's a start.

Life is a new start right now anyway. We're all moved into our new house, although not completely unpacked.  We were able to at least consolidate all our unpacked boxes to one room, and even that room is getting recognizable, slowly. If I ever find my camera, I promise pictures. It must still be packed up somewhere I guess ;-)

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Settlement Day

Dun dun duh! Doesn't settlement day sound bad, like judgement day or something??  Today is the day we go sign our lives away and buy a house. Finally!  It feels like it's been such a long journey, and like we looked at hundreds of houses (okay, dozens, for real), but we've made it.  I'll post pics soon.  Because I have to take pics first.

But anyway, guess what I did this morning??
Girl look at the body! Ah! I worked out!

30 minutes on the treadmill, all walking, but I varied my speed and incline... basically I get bored on the treadmill.  Then I did 80 squats while holding the 10# dumbbell, 2 sets of 5 pull ups with 140# resist (which is an improvement from the 150# I started with, anyway) and 10 leg-lift ab-worky thingys.

The fair is sadly over, and I ate too much fair food over the course of the three visits I made.  Scrapple sandwich, beef kabob, gyro, Jenna's french fries (twice) and 2 deep-fried candy bars.  But that's all over for the year.

Just in time for the carnival.  A month-long festival of (strangely enough) the BEST hamburgers, soft-shell crab sandwichs, oyster fritters (not my thing but I have to mention them), cotton candy, funnel cakes, clam strips, candy apples, corn dogs, french fries and ice cream... and new this year, walking tacos, whatever the heck that is.  I ate about half of what I listed above last night.  Okay, not quite, but it felt awful afterward. I did manage to convince myself that I don't have to eat everything all in one night, it'll be there next time too.  Not that I need any of it.  But I make myself choose what bad things I can eat per visit, rather than gorging on everything I can at once.

So the gym this morning probably didn't even begin to compare to the calories consumed last night.

I did win a pillow for my hubby.  I'm not a fan.
I'm a dork.  No denial there.

Monday, July 23, 2012

I'm starvin' like Marvin!

Stuck on a treadmill, in a revolving door, trying to walk "up" on a "down" escalator. That's how I feel with my weight loss efforts. And rightfully so, because I've been BAD lately. Okay, not gorging on chocolate cake and  potato chips and McDonalds chicken sandwiches (ooh yum), but my diet is not the path to weight-loss right now. I think my candida has been flaring up too, and that's thanks to my diet as well. I pack my lunch at work 95% of the time, and for the past week I was packing turkey and ham sandwiches on onion kaiser rolls. And a baggy of kettle-cooked chips.  Not healthy, but portion-controlled, which is the least I try to do. Dinners last week include (vegetarian) Chik'n patty sandwichs (on buns), pizza, meatballs in sweet and sour sauce, and I forget what else... I ate a lot of watermelon and canteloupe for snacks, and I started eating greek yogurt again for snacks.  But all of the above includes a lot of carbs and sugars, and those things kick the candida into overdrive, and the result is a feeling of insatiable hunger. Friday and Saturday mornings I woke up at 1:30 am each day, having to use the bathroom (again, probably a result of poor food choices), and then feeling ABSOLUTELY starved as I lay in bed and try to get back to sleep. Painfully hungry.  But I knew that I WASN'T hungry, that I had no reason to feel hungry. And I did not get up and eat, because midnight snacking is one bad habit that I don't want to start. Again.  (When I lived with my parents, my bedroom was part of an addition on the back of the house, and I would have to walk through the kitchen in order to get to the bathroom, and THEN I would occasionally grab a snack and eat it when I got back in bed. Those were the days when Little Debbie and TastyKakes were a staple in the house, too.)
By Saturday morning, my body was screaming "That's enough!" I was starving hungry, and needed protein, but being at work I didn't have time to prepare myself any sort of protein, nor had I packed the right type of fuel my body needed.  I sufficed with a Fiber One bar and yogurt, and for lunch I went and got myself a Cobb salad from Quiznos. Again, not the best choice, but it appealed to me much more than the meatballs and rice I had packed that day.
Saturday night was date-night, and we went out for crabs. I LOVE crabs.  I can eat 2 dozen or more by myself, easily. Plus, picking crabs burns calories, right? Anyway, it was great. And there was a vanilla milkshake on the ride home.
Are we seeing a pattern yet??
Yesterday I did get back to the gym, but we went to the State Fair, where I drank sweet tea and had a deep-fried candy bar. I don't care what kind of diet I'm on, and I am perpetually "watching what I eat," I WILL have a deep-fried candy bar once a year at the Fair. I am taking my sister to the fair today, and likely she will want a candy bar too. Will I be able to resist? Doubtful.
But I am READY to get back to eating grilled protein and vegetables.  After today, I guess.  We are having breakfast-for-dinner tonight, and I've already invited my dad and sister, so that plan can't change.

Gym-time yesterday: completed 5K on the elliptical, approx 40 minutes. I know this isn't comparable to walking a 5K, but I know I'll be okay when the time comes.  I will not be running this 5K.  I also did 50 squats, chin-ups and dips with 145# assistance, 5 reps x 2 sets each.

Wow, all this talk about food has made me hungry. Breakfast time for me!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Sticks out like sore thumb...

The above picture was taken just a little over a year ago.  This is the five of us, all of my siblings, plus my little niece Riley.  From right, my brother is oldest (#1), next is the youngest at 17 (#5), Me (#4), then #2 and #3.  Granted that I may not be wearing the most flattering shirt, but this is how I look and feel at family gathering.  The odd one out.  We're all totally related in the way we look, but I'm the biggest.  Always.  It's tough to have three thin sisters, and if you'd ask any of them, they would say they are fat and need to lose weight (BS!) I would kill to look like any of them, or at least mutilate. My brother has read my blogs, and he has actually told me that he suffers similar issues as me, so that's somewhat reassuring, that I'm not a freak in my family.

Slacking at the gym this week :(  We were in Christiana on Sunday, having spent the night the prior evening.  This week has been busy ever since, but hopefully Friday night we can make an appearance.  This chin isn't going to up itself! (Get it, chin-ups? Ba dum ch! No?)

Lost 2 pounds over the weekend with a mild lower-GI bug.  Woot.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

If ya want my body and ya think I'm sexy...

I wanted to post today about my poor self-image.  I view myself as so much bigger than I think I actually am.  I always feel like the biggest person in the room.  You know how sometimes, even though you really try hard not to, when you see an obese person, you have a "whoa" moment in your head?  I felt like everyone was going that to me.  And when I see most pictures of myself, I KNOW I'm not that big.  But I still feel like a cow when I look down at my own body.
This picture was taken just last week.  I KNOW for a fact that I'm not BIG.  But all I see in that picture is INNER THIGHS!

BUT... I've reached something of a milestone in my journey.  I had a lot of time on my hands on Monday, and I spent some time in front of a full-length mirror.  Naked.  Try not to imagine it, please.  But after peering and pondering over myself at many different angles, I discovered something... it's not so bad.  I wish my belly were smaller, but really what girl doesn't?  If you're a girl and you don't want a smaller belly, stop reading my blog now.  We can't be friends.  My butt was not nearly as dimply as I imagine it being.  My thighs are toned.  That inner thigh fat that seems so prominent in the above picture is not nearly as offensive as I thought.  My calves are shapely.  My arms, muscular!  My chest?  Okay, my boobies are entirely too small, and God had a sense of humor when he made someone my size with A-cup titties, but my chest has muscle!!!  There is separation and lift to those little puppies!  Double chin... eh, it needs work too, but if I keep my head up, it looks better, right?

So in the time between deciding this blog topic, and actually writing it, I've had a huge change of heart, and all for the better.

I have been searching through my facebook pictures, trying to find one where I was "fat" and actually having a hard time.  I may not be a lot skinnier now versus all those pictures, but at least I don't think they were ALL fat pictures. I did find this one, however:


Next blog idea TBD

I did 2 sets of 5 pull ups and dips with 150 pound assist.  I managed ONE pullup with 120 pounds assist.

Monday, July 9, 2012

What McDonalds bag in my backseat??

I have a bad habit.  I like McDonalds.  Not in a Big Mac, large fry, large drink kind of way.  In a breakfast sandwich, mocha frappe, or a snack on the way home kind of way.  And I try not to tell Paul about it, but I'm sort of bad about keeping secrets about myself so I usually confess later, but not always.  Two Sausage McMuffins on the way to work?  A McChicken on the ride home? Sure.  As long as I throw the bag away somewhere besides home.  These fast-food stops are like pure mouth orgasms as I eat them. My mouth is watering and the greasy, or deep-fried and mayo-coated goodness goes down like butter.  Mmmm, I can taste it now just thinking about it.  But when I'm finished, when I crumple the paper and put it back in the bag, I feel guilty.  I feel stupid.  Why did I just do that to myself?  I've been good all day, I felt like I deserved it, but does my body deserve that punishment?  And then because I didn't tell Paul, I will eat a normal sized dinner so I "look" normal, and he's not suspicious.  'Cuz this girl can eat.  I have to be throwing up bile from the pits of hell to not eat.

In retrospect, my fast-food habit is not SO bad.  It's not like I eat lunch or dinner at a fast-food joint frequently.  In fact, an actual "meal" at fast-food is a "treat" for me.  What kind of treat is that?  I know everyone says when you start eating healthier, you crave healthy food but gosh damn sometimes I just want a  freaking curly fry.

Also, on Mondays when I'm home alone, I don't know how to entertain myself, so I tend to eat a lot on that day too.  Already this morning, I'd be embarrass to confess what I've eaten, and it's not even lunch time yet. It could be emotional eating, but it's probably just boredom.

Emotional eating.  I don't know if I do that or not.  I just eat whenever I feel like it.  Which is all the time.  On days that my self-diagnosed candida is flaring up, I can eat non-stop all day and never be satisfied.  Luckily, today is not one of these days.

Why might I be emotional today?   Paul's nephew, age 23 (I think) bought a motorcycle yesterday and promptly crashed it, and was flown to shock-trauma.  At first the situation was dire, IF he survived, he would probably lose his arm.  As of last night, "they" said it looked like he would pull through, and they did surgery on his arm, but they aren't sure how functional the arm will be.  My husband went to work this morning, and we were going to head up to this hospital later in the morning, but he got the wild hair up his butt that he had to go NOW and that he would catch a ride with his cousin, and that he has to stay until late tonight because his uncle will be arriving after 5.  And so I'm stuck at home alone all day and night.  I wanted to go, but I couldn't stay late, because I have work. I'm so disgusted right now.

And the jalapeno popper dip I just polished off did not make me feel any less disgusted, just more disgusting.

Blog idea: poor self-image

Gym today? Maybe.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Put down the sausage and no one gets hurt!

Years ago, before I was married, my now-husband and I were out to breakfast.  I can't even remember where we went.  But I do remember that I had sausage, and I had a nice, crispy end-piece of sausage that I was saving for the end of my meal. It was that perfectly cooked, crispy, not-at-all greasy end of the sausage that is so delicious... so I left it on my plate to eat the rest of my food, saving that scrumptious little morsel of sausage for the very last savory bite... and Paul reached over with his fork and took it and ate it, before I even had a chance to react! After registering what had just happened, I was appalled, I was upset, I was ANGRY.  That was MY sausage.  I was SAVING it for myself, for my last bite. That event right there was probably one of our very first arguments.  And at the time it seemed so trivial, and even for years after, Paul will joke about it, saying he doesn't dare touch my sausage ever again.

But about a month or so ago, I read on someone else's blog about how a person with a bingeing disorder (Hi, my name is Christin and I'm a binge eater) can be very possessive of her food.  And it hit me like a brick wall.  I now understand so much why that piece of sausage upset me so much.  It was MINE.  And to this day, if Paul and I split something, a sub or a bowl of popcorn, I have to be sure that we get the exact same amount or size as the other.  My half has to be the same as his half.  If he finishes his burger, I have to finish mine, even though I was ready to throw up three bites ago.  And if, God forbid, there is something leftover after a meal, especially at a restaurant, that doggy bag is going with ME. I'm not leaving food that I paid for behind!  And if we have leftovers at home, they may not get eaten, unfortunately, but I'll darn sure hold onto them for a week, my cut-off for eating leftovers, until I throw them out.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this problem, but the first step is admitting you have one, right?  I'm learning to leave food on my plate at the end of a meal, to throw something away that I'm probably not going to eat again anyway.

Idea for next blog: secret eating.

Today's weight: 246.3. 26 pounds to goal.

I managed 5 pull-ups with 150 pounds assist today.

Friday, July 6, 2012

I will master the pull-up

I have a new goal in mind.  To master a pull-up.  At my gym, there is an assisted pull-up machine, and I currently have to use 160 (!!!) pounds to assist me in pulling up. My goal is to work on this machine and decrease that weight little by little.  It's a great upper body workout, so I know it can't hurt.

I have to get back to eating better too.  We had (big) salads for dinner tonight, anti-pasto salads, so not perfectly healthy, but a start in the right direction.

My friend Laura inspired me to get back to blogging, but I'm definitely not as creative as she is.  But writing (or typing) my journey, will help me know where I've been, where I am, and where I am going.  I deleted the previous entries on this blog-- I actually opened it in 2007, wow.  I was at 233 on the last one I had written. I will weigh in on Sunday for an official number, but I'm hovering in the upper 240's now.  My goal is only 220 for now, and to be healthier and stronger.  The last time around, I was doing Weight Watchers, and I lost a total of 30 pounds or so, but I never got in shape.  This time I am more interested in creating a lasting lifestyle.